My mouse hovered tentatively over the send button. My heart thumped ferociously in my throat, my hands visibly shook and tears streamed down my face. I took a deep breath and pressed send.
With one tiny click, 30 years of lies began to unravel. There was no going back now.
For almost three decades I had been dishonest with my family and friends and, most importantly, with myself.
Up until just a few months ago, I lived a life where I enjoyed the company of men. Yet deep down my soul longed for something else.
If you prefer a label, you may want to call me gay or bi-sexual (or confused!). Perhaps I am all of these things, or none of them. Personally, I stumble over labels (but this is a post for another day).
This is my story, one of facing my darkest fear and owning my great truth.
Living in darkness
Where there is darkness that is ignored, that darkness slowly spreads, edging its way into all areas of life.
For me, this darkness appeared as drug and alcohol abuse, emotionally destructive relationships, and ongoing depression. Internally I loathed myself and my outside world reflected these sentiments profoundly.
I exposed myself to toxic substances, relationships and thoughts, and consequently manifested a turbulent world around me.
For almost 20 years, this was how I lived.
In January 2013, I found myself clinging to a five-year relationship that I had ended months before. At the time the pain was unbearable but as I look back now, I see all the blessings hidden within the heartache. The pain became a catalyst for change.
Shining a light on my darkness
Enter my saviour, mentor, healer, kinesiologist and dear friend, Nicole Mathieson.
On the morning of our very first appointment, I pulled an oracle card: Beginnings. How fitting. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was about to embark on a journey of deep inner work and profound healing. It was time to shine a light on all my darkness.
Every fortnight for a year, Nicole and I chipped away at and challenged my belief system. Slowly I began to heal.
Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, my soul began to grumble. Something wasn’t quite right. The same cycles kept appearing in my life. My career of 10 years felt stagnant. My relationships were superficial. This space, our blog, felt inauthentic.
It was like I had been sleep walking. I had no idea how I got here.
I longed to find my passion and live a life of purpose but every time I turned inward to ask the question, the only response I got was TRUTH.
Each day as I sat down to meditate, I would sneer at that word as it flashed through my mind, sending sparks of fear pulsing through my body.
Fuck truth, I wanted none of it.
Yet truth always finds a way of coming out (pun totally not intended).
Eventually my truth and all that it meant consumed my every waking hour. Intuitively I realised, in this state of dishonesty, I would only ever live a half life.
Hiding from my truth had become more unbearable than facing it.
So, in August 2014, I took a deep breath, made a list of family and friends, drafted an email laying my sexuality out on the table, and then I jumped.
Raw and exposed, but free
It wasn’t pretty.
I plunged into a deep, dark depression. My back went out, then my neck, then I got the flu. I lay in bed sobbing uncontrollably for days. Huge waves of shame washed over me again and again while my ego thrashed about like a fish out of water.
There were moments when I contemplated just ending it all.
Bless Nicole. Bless my family. Bless my friends. With their unwavering support, I sat in the pain. I journalled. I meditated. Time passed. Things got easier.
And bless my inner wisdom. After the dust settled, I took a moment to peek at the space that for years I had dared not look. Staring back at me was sweet, sweet peace. My soul whispered: “For now you have done enough. Rest.”
This is where you find me today. Resting. I know soon enough my soul will begin to grumble again and I’ll be inspired into action. But now I rest, I celebrate and I drench myself in self-love.
Facing my fear
The day I faced my fear was the day I uncovered a hidden goldmine of internal strength, courage and wisdom.
Yup, it was terrifying. But I’ve danced with fear now and I know her secret:
Fear is just noise masquerading as truth.
Acknowledge her, feel her if you need to, but know the words she whispers are not real.
Fear is to be walked towards not runaway from. Use her as a signpost for she holds the key to unlocking the wild, wondrous magic of your soul.
Owning my truth
The day I owned my great truth was the day I stepped into a life more meaningful, whole, and light-filled than I could have ever imagined.
I used to cower from truth. Now I lean into her.
My truth is not always perfect hair and makeup, sweet words and laughter. She can be puffy red eyes, tears that won’t stop, messiness and wild craziness.
I am okay with that.
I’d rather be messy in my truth, than tidy in my falseness.