Sexuality, dark fears and great truths

Fear is just noise masquerading as truth

My mouse hovered tentatively over the send button. My heart thumped ferociously in my throat, my hands visibly shook and tears streamed down my face. I took a deep breath and pressed send.

With one tiny click, 30 years of lies began to unravel. There was no going back now.

For almost three decades I had been dishonest with my family and friends and, most importantly, with myself.

Up until just a few months ago, I lived a life where I enjoyed the company of men. Yet deep down my soul longed for something else.

If you prefer a label, you may want to call me gay or bi-sexual (or confused!). Perhaps I am all of these things, or none of them. Personally, I stumble over labels (but this is a post for another day).

This is my story, one of facing my darkest fear and owning my great truth.

Long grey divider

Living in darkness

Where there is darkness that is ignored, that darkness slowly spreads, edging its way into all areas of life.

For me, this darkness appeared as drug and alcohol abuse, emotionally destructive relationships, and ongoing depression. Internally I loathed myself and my outside world reflected these sentiments profoundly.

I exposed myself to toxic substances, relationships and thoughts, and consequently manifested a turbulent world around me.

For almost 20 years, this was how I lived.

In January 2013, I found myself clinging to a five-year relationship that I had ended months before. At the time the pain was unbearable but as I look back now, I see all the blessings hidden within the heartache. The pain became a catalyst for change.

Long grey divider

Shining a light on my darkness

Enter my saviour, mentor, healer, kinesiologist and dear friend, Nicole Mathieson.

On the morning of our very first appointment, I pulled an oracle card: Beginnings. How fitting. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was about to embark on a journey of deep inner work and profound healing. It was time to shine a light on all my darkness.

Every fortnight for a year, Nicole and I chipped away at and challenged my belief system. Slowly I began to heal.

Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, my soul began to grumble. Something wasn’t quite right. The same cycles kept appearing in my life. My career of 10 years felt stagnant. My relationships were superficial. This space, our blog, felt inauthentic.

It was like I had been sleep walking. I had no idea how I got here.

I longed to find my passion and live a life of purpose but every time I turned inward to ask the question, the only response I got was TRUTH.

Each day as I sat down to meditate, I would sneer at that word as it flashed through my mind, sending sparks of fear pulsing through my body.

Fuck truth, I wanted none of it.

Yet truth always finds a way of coming out (pun totally not intended).

Eventually my truth and all that it meant consumed my every waking hour. Intuitively I realised, in this state of dishonesty, I would only ever live a half life.

Hiding from my truth had become more unbearable than facing it.

So, in August 2014, I took a deep breath, made a list of family and friends, drafted an email laying my sexuality out on the table, and then I jumped.

Long grey dividerRaw and exposed, but free

It wasn’t pretty.

I plunged into a deep, dark depression. My back went out, then my neck, then I got the flu. I lay in bed sobbing uncontrollably for days. Huge waves of shame washed over me again and again while my ego thrashed about like a fish out of water.

There were moments when I contemplated just ending it all.

Bless Nicole. Bless my family. Bless my friends. With their unwavering support, I sat in the pain. I journalled. I meditated. Time passed. Things got easier.

And bless my inner wisdom. After the dust settled, I took a moment to peek at the space that for years I had dared not look. Staring back at me was sweet, sweet peace. My soul whispered: “For now you have done enough. Rest.”

This is where you find me today. Resting. I know soon enough my soul will begin to grumble again and I’ll be inspired into action. But now I rest, I celebrate and I drench myself in self-love.

Long grey dividerFacing my fear

The day I faced my fear was the day I uncovered a hidden goldmine of internal strength, courage and wisdom.

Yup, it was terrifying. But I’ve danced with fear now and I know her secret:

Fear is just noise masquerading as truth.

Acknowledge her, feel her if you need to, but know the words she whispers are not real.

Fear is to be walked towards not runaway from. Use her as a signpost for she holds the key to unlocking the wild, wondrous magic of your soul.

Long grey dividerOwning my truth

The day I owned my great truth was the day I stepped into a life more meaningful, whole, and light-filled than I could have ever imagined.

I used to cower from truth. Now I lean into her.

My truth is not always perfect hair and makeup, sweet words and laughter. She can be puffy red eyes, tears that won’t stop, messiness and wild craziness.

I am okay with that.

I’d rather be messy in my truth, than tidy in my falseness.

Alana

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38 Responses to Sexuality, dark fears and great truths

  1. neen84 January 8, 2015 at 8:01 pm #

    Sending you pure love and hugs. I don’t know you, but I’ve read your blog for a little while now, and you seem like such a lovely and beautiful person. I am so proud of you, that obviously took a lot of courage and strength to do what you did, so well done. You inspire me to be real and true to myself, thank you for that. You are a real blessing to the world.

    • Alana January 8, 2015 at 8:05 pm #

      Janine, you beautiful soul. You bring tears to my eyes. Thank you hun. x

  2. Bridgette January 8, 2015 at 8:05 pm #

    You are beautiful Alana, strong and courageous, got teary reading this. I am always questioning myself, life path & inner truth constantly, and if I am doing things right. Life is never easy x

    • Alana January 8, 2015 at 8:07 pm #

      Bridgette! I LOVE hearing that you do this! We women have a strong intuitive knowing and we really do need to learn to use that for our benefit more often. It’s not always easy though is it? Sometimes I don’t like the answers I get back. Thank you for popping over here, commenting and showing your support. Love to you x

  3. Star January 8, 2015 at 8:15 pm #

    What a beautiful sharing! Thank you for your raw vulnerability and having the courage to remove the veil and let all revel in the beauty that is behind it. Brave soul xxx

    • Alana January 8, 2015 at 8:20 pm #

      Thank you Star, you’re lovely xx

  4. Bridgette January 8, 2015 at 8:18 pm #

    Awwwwww think the older we get the stronger we get, and the support from our family and friends make us stronger and help us discover our inner selves xx I find myself not materialistic anymore, family and friends and life is far more important to me xx I love what u are doing hun and think u are gorgeous and an amazing soul, lots to offer to so many souls on this earth xx much love Bridgette

    • Alana January 8, 2015 at 8:20 pm #

      Absolutely, totally, yes, yes, yes xxx

  5. Renee C January 8, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

    Alana, you’ve always been a kind, caring and dignified soul and nothing can change that. Lovely to hear you’ve found your peace in yourself xo

    • Alana January 8, 2015 at 8:30 pm #

      Thank you sweet Renee, your words mean a lot. Yes, it’s been a long time but I have most definitely found peace xx

  6. Ruth January 8, 2015 at 9:27 pm #

    Alana, I’m so glad your post in bebh popped up in feed today, your words here resonate with me on many levels. I’ll be taking away – ‘I would rather be messy in my truth that tidy in my falseness” .. feeling a little messy in both right now. So happy to have found you xox

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:41 am #

      Hi beautiful Ruth! I’m so glad you took something away from this. That makes my heart beam! Feeling messy in both your truth and falseness is exciting! That means you’re almost ready for a breakthrough. You go girl! Email me on Facey if you want to chat about fears, or messiness or whatever. Here for you, love xx

  7. Sarah January 8, 2015 at 9:28 pm #

    You sweet, beautiful, wonderful soul. I just want to give you an enormous hug. You’re so wise, so brave and you shared your truth with such honesty. You’re an inspiration Alana. xx

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:42 am #

      Ahhhh Sarah, you’re too nice. Love to you xx

  8. Lisa January 8, 2015 at 9:28 pm #

    Much appreciation for you and your shining truth – I am feeling lighter just reading your story – and inspired. Have been on my own truth quest for some time now and after some major life upheavals, I too have been in rest mode. But as you say their is grumbling afoot! xx Thank you for your words, your truth and your inspiration.

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 8:00 am #

      Lisa! “Truth quest” LOVE IT! Yes, rest mode is SO important. Rest mode AND celebration mode.
      Oh the grumbling… hehehe. That’s exciting! xx

  9. Nicole January 8, 2015 at 9:54 pm #

    Oh Alana,

    This is so powerful. This for me taps into the meaning of existence, and how far from it our cultural norms can steer us from happiness. This line “I used to cower from truth. Now I lean into her.” I love!! I love it all and I am so thrilled for you, so proud of you and can’t wait to hear where your truth leads you next.
    So much love
    xxx
    Nicole

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:59 am #

      Totally!! Yes! Nicole, I know I’ve said it a hundred times but THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I almost cry every time I think about all that you have done for me and all that you have been in my life. I’m so glad my soul found you. Not sure where we’d be otherwise! xx

  10. Anika January 8, 2015 at 10:04 pm #

    I love all of this. Beautifully written. Captivating story. Amazing you. xx
    PS I almost wrote “smacking you” – thank you auto correct. Luckily I re-read 🙂

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:56 am #

      Hahaha “smacking you”! That would have been hilarious! I kinda wish you hadn’t re-read it :-). Thanks, lovely. What a pleasure it was to meet you last year and to talk openly with you during the workshop. I know that conversation was part of the catalyst for this post. xx

  11. Susana Frioni January 8, 2015 at 10:48 pm #

    Beautiful. Just like you. XO

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:54 am #

      Susana! Ahhh, words escape me. Keep doing what you’re doing. So many women need your voice. Thank you for popping over here and reading this. I feel so honoured. xx

  12. thelilawolff January 9, 2015 at 6:36 am #

    Beautiful Alana, such a brave thing to do and I’m so pleased to hear your people have been supportive.
    I hope your new beginning is as beautiful as you embracing the truth. xx

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:53 am #

      Ahh, you’re lovely Lila. Thanks xx

  13. Christina January 9, 2015 at 6:50 am #

    “I’d rather be messy in my truth, than tidy in my falseness.” – wow that is powerful! Such a beautifully written post!

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 7:52 am #

      Thank you, sweets xx

  14. Ariadne January 9, 2015 at 8:02 am #

    Absolutely beautiful, raw and so honest. there is a lesson here for all of us. Enjoy the space where you are now! Sending you love + a big hug xx

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 9:22 am #

      Thank you love! x

  15. Kirsty @ The Natural Foodie January 9, 2015 at 9:15 am #

    Beautiful words Alana. It was brave of you to put this out into the Universe but I think the support of your family, friends and readers shows how respected and valued you and your truth are. Thank you for sharing. X

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 9:21 am #

      You are so right Kirsty. I am very fortunate to have such supportive parents, sisters and friends (including all our beautiful readers here in this space). I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be for others who do not have this support and that are perhaps ostracised by their family or friends for their sexuality or other beliefs. This is part of the reason why I felt a responsibility for sharing my story. x

  16. Leah Hattendorff January 9, 2015 at 11:57 am #

    Lots of courage here, Alana, you gem. You are loved and have much love to give, and so you are where you need to be. Keep on making that Magic! xx

    • Alana January 9, 2015 at 3:59 pm #

      Thank you sweets! And I’ve seen your emails. I’m just waiting for a little time to open up (I’m hoping that’s tonight) so I can respond to them with the energy and thought they deserve xx

  17. Rebecca Weller January 10, 2015 at 2:34 pm #

    You are such a wise and beautiful angel, Alana. I had goosebumps reading this incredible post. Here’s to beautiful new beginnings and freedom of the soul. xx

    • Alana January 10, 2015 at 9:33 pm #

      Thanks Bex. Lots of love to you xx

  18. deb dane January 16, 2015 at 10:27 pm #

    Just catching up reading and almost missed this. Big hugs lovely- this was strong, vulnerable and magic all in one. Stepping into your truth is an amazing thing. Love to you xx

    • Alana January 17, 2015 at 5:01 pm #

      Thanks so much for your kind words and support, Deb. x

  19. Che // Life With Che February 12, 2015 at 2:50 pm #

    How am I just reading this? Go you brave woman you! What an inspiration you are. XX

    • Alana February 13, 2015 at 7:34 pm #

      Aw thanks sweet heart 🙂 xx

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